I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
