I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
