HIV tests are more positive than that guy
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
