i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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