He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
