i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
