I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
