woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
this is an emotional support booty call
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
