somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need water and some morals
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
