I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
