I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
