the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
