All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
