I cannot find my penis.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
two words: eviction party
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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