You just made me feel so damn special
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize