when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
