There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
