Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
