It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
