Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
