Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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