In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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