I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
