Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
