They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
