Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
