I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
