my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
