And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
