I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
