he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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