Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
