I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
