I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
