"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
