fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
