I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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