apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
