I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize