I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
