1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
