I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
