I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's rum buckets o'clock
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
