Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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