I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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