Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
