My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
