My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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