When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
