Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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