Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
