Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
