he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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