i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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