I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How's work?
Spinning.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His nipple licking is glorious
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