I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
