two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
