Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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