so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
