I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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