I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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