the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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