I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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