I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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