Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
