3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
