i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
