My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
