I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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