When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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