I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
