we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
