I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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