Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
