Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
