So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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