Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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