Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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